Money & Freedom Series: • The Running Away Fund

I Can't Afford to Leave: How to Quietly Build the Money to Go

"I can't afford to leave." If you've ever said those words to yourself — in the dark, doing sums in your head that never add up — I want you to read this one carefully.

Because here's the first thing you need to know, and it changes everything: that feeling of being financially trapped is not your failing. It's usually the whole point. It has a name, it's deliberate, and once you can see how the trap is built, you can start — quietly, safely, brick by brick — to build your way out of it.

First: This Has a Name, and It Isn't "Bad With Money"

When one person controls the money so the other can't leave, that's financial abuse (sometimes called economic abuse). And it is astonishingly common — research suggests it appears in the vast majority of abusive relationships, and it's the number one reason people stay, or go back.

It rarely looks dramatic. It often looks like help. "Let me handle the money, I'm good with it." Then slowly: the allowance, the questioning of every penny, the accounts in your name you didn't agree to, the being kept in the dark, maybe being stopped from working. It tightens so gradually you don't always notice the door locking — until you try to leave and find you can't reach the funds to do it.

So when people ask "why don't they just leave?" — this is the answer. Asking someone with no access to money why they don't just go is like asking someone in a locked room why they don't simply walk out. The lock is real. Someone else fitted it. And none of it means you're stupid with money — it means you were controlled, on purpose.

The Way Out: Reverse-Engineer Your Freedom

Here's where we put an accountant's head on, because it turns a terrifying, impossible feeling into something you can actually work. You don't start by asking "how on earth do I escape?" That's too big; it has no answer. You start at the end and work backwards.

1 Work out your freedom number

Figure out what it actually costs to leave and land on your feet: a deposit and first month's rent, a few months of bills and food to be safe, travel, and the essentials for you and any children. Add it up. That total — that's your freedom number. Suddenly it's not a hopeless feeling. It's a target.

2 Work backwards to a weekly amount

Take that number and work back from it. That's the goal — so over however many months feels realistic, that's roughly the amount per month, which is roughly the amount per week. Now the impossible mountain is just a series of small, quiet deposits. You're not trapped anymore. You're saving towards a release date.

3 Feed it in the dark, brick by brick

Every quiet pound you put aside is a brick out of the wall. It won't happen overnight, and it doesn't need to. The number going up is the wall coming down. Each deposit is a piece of your freedom bought back — and that is a powerful thing to watch grow.

The Secret Account: Your Cornerstone

The single most important practical step is this: a separate bank account, in your name only, that your partner does not know about. This is your freedom fund's home. But it has to be done carefully, because the whole thing depends on it staying hidden.

Keep the paper trail away from home

This is the bit people forget, and it's vital. Set the account to paperless / email-only, or have statements sent to a PO box or a trusted friend's address. One letter landing on the doormat can undo everything. No post, no trace.

Fill it in ways that don't show

Small and invisible is the game. Cashback when you do the shopping. Buying the odd returnable item and putting the refund aside (one survivor bought extra washing tablets she knew she could take back). Saving your change. If you get a pay rise or a bonus they don't know about, divert that into the secret account so the shared one looks completely unchanged.

Mind the small giveaways

A cash machine can show its location on a statement — so if you ever withdraw, do it near where you live now, never near where you might be heading. And if a secret account doesn't feel safe at all, ask a trusted friend or family member to simply hold some cash for you instead.

Please Read This Part: Leaving Is the Dangerous Bit

Plan it quietly. Don't announce it.

I have to be honest with you, because it matters more than anything else here: the moment of leaving is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. When an abuser feels they're losing control, things can escalate. So this is not something to declare in the heat of an argument — it's something to plan quietly, in the background, and ideally with a domestic abuse specialist who does this every day.

Hide your tracks and your treasures. Keep your freedom fund, your plans and any packed essentials well hidden. And get your important things out of the house in advance — passports, birth certificates, documents, and anything precious or irreplaceable — to a trusted friend or a safe place. Because a controlling partner who senses you're leaving may try to destroy what matters to you, your paperwork included, to make going harder. Quietly move the important things to safety before you ever need them.

You Are Not Trapped Forever

It might not feel like it tonight, but a locked door is not the same as a wall. You can find the key — not in one dramatic leap, but in a freedom number, a secret account, and a series of small, brave, invisible deposits that nobody else can see growing.

You were made to feel you couldn't manage money and couldn't survive alone. Both were lies told to keep you. The proof they were lies is the plan you've just read — an ordinary woman, working out her number and quietly saving her way to the door. That's not being trapped. That's an escape in progress.

Find the number. Open the account. Save in the dark. And get yourself free.

Love, Vikki x

Frequently Asked Questions

What do you do if you can't afford to leave an abusive partner? +

You build the money to go, quietly and over time. Start by working out your "freedom number" — roughly what it costs to leave and set yourself up: a deposit, rent, a few months of bills and food, and essentials for you and any children. Then work backwards into a small weekly amount you can put aside safely into a separate account in your own name that your partner doesn't know about. Being unable to afford to leave isn't your failing; it's usually financial abuse, which is designed to trap you. A specialist organisation can help you plan it safely.

Why don't abuse victims just leave? +

Because leaving is often made financially impossible on purpose. Financial abuse — controlling the money, limiting access, running up debt in your name, stopping you working — appears in the vast majority of abusive relationships, and it's the number one reason people stay or return. Asking "why don't they just leave" is like asking someone in a locked room why they don't walk out. The barrier is real, and it's deliberately built. The way out is to quietly rebuild access to money and plan a safe exit, ideally with expert support.

How do I save money to leave without my partner knowing? +

Open a separate bank account in your name only, and make sure its statements and letters go somewhere safe — email only, a PO box, or a trusted friend's address — so nothing arrives at home to give it away. Then build it in small, invisible ways: cashback on the shopping, buying returnable items for the refund, saving change, or diverting a pay rise or bonus they don't know about so the shared account looks unchanged. Keep amounts small enough not to be noticed, and consider asking a trusted person to hold cash for you if a secret account feels unsafe.

Is it dangerous to leave an abusive relationship? +

The point of leaving can be the most dangerous time, because an abuser may escalate when they feel they're losing control. That's why leaving should be planned quietly rather than announced, and ideally with help from a domestic abuse specialist who can make a safety plan with you. Keep your plans, your secret account and any packed essentials hidden, get key documents and sentimental items out of the house to a safe place in advance, and don't signal that you're preparing to go. Your safety comes before everything else.

What is financial abuse? +

Financial or economic abuse is a pattern of controlling someone's access to money to trap them and hold power over them. It can look like managing all the money, giving an "allowance", blocking you from working, running up debt or taking out credit in your name, or keeping you in the dark about household finances. It often hides behind seeming sensible or caring — "let me handle the money, I'm good with it" — and then tightens over time. It appears in almost all abusive relationships and is recognised as a form of domestic abuse.

More on the blog:
• The Running Away Fund
• Scared to Spend Money on Yourself?
• Why Lottery Winners Go Broke
• Explore all posts

Important — please read. I'm writing this with love and from the heart, but I'm not a professional adviser, and your safety is the thing that matters most. If you're experiencing abuse, please get support from people trained to help you plan safely — leaving is the most dangerous time, and you shouldn't have to plan it alone. In the UK: Surviving Economic Abuse specialise in exactly this and can help with escape funds and safe banking; the free, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247 (run by Refuge); Women's Aid runs Rail to Refuge, covering train fares for anyone escaping to a refuge; and if you're ever in immediate danger, call 999 (if you can't speak, press 55 when prompted and the call can still get help to you). You are not stupid, you are not trapped forever, and you are not alone.