Featured
- Get link
- X
- Other Apps
The Running Away Fund
The Running Away Fund: If You Want One, That's Your Answer
Everyone jokes about having a "running away fund." A little secret stash. Money for the day you finally leg it.
But here's the thing nobody says out loud, so I will: you don't fantasise about running away from a good life.
Nobody happy is squirrelling away an escape. So if you've ever quietly wished you had one — that's not a daydream, love. That's your answer. There's an arsehole in the picture somewhere. And the wanting is the tell.
You Don't Run From a Good Life
Sit with that for a second, because it's the whole post in one line.
If everything was genuinely rosy — if you felt safe, respected, free — would you be lying awake thinking about an exit? Of course you wouldn't. You don't plan your getaway from somewhere you're happy. The very fact that part of you wants a way out is information your gut has worked out long before your mouth will say it.
The arsehole might be a partner. Might be a boss. Might be a friend, a family member, or just a whole situation that's quietly crushing you. The shape doesn't matter. The instinct does. The urge to be able to run is your own quiet truth, telling you something isn't right. So listen to it — and then get yourself the means to act on it if you ever need to.
Marry Yourself First
Here's the principle underneath the whole thing: marry yourself first.
Before you tie your money, your home and your safety to anyone else, commit to you. Be your own safe person. Your own provider. Your own home. Because if you hand the entire job of keeping you afloat to someone else, you're not in a partnership any more — you're dependent. And dependent, as too many of us learn the hard way, is the same thing as vulnerable.
It's the oxygen mask rule. Secure your own first — your money, your footing, your peace — and then you can give to everyone else from a full cup, freely and by choice. Skip it, and you end up either being controlled, or quietly draining the people around you. Look after you first, and everything else gets to be a choice instead of a trap.
The Money Is the Door
Let's be honest about why this matters so much, because it's not really about money at all. It's about the door.
Financial dependence is one of the single biggest things that keeps women stuck — in jobs they hate, homes they've outgrown, and relationships that are hurting them. When you need someone else's income to survive, leaving stops being a decision and becomes an impossibility. As one survivor of economic abuse put it, money may not make you happy, but without it there is nowhere to go — which is exactly why controlling the money is the most powerful way to control a person.
Your own money flips that. It's not greedy and it's not distrustful. It's the key to the door. It's the thing that means you could go — and that "could" changes everything, even if you never use it. And yes, before anyone says it: this goes both ways. No man should be financially trapped either. But it's women who carry more of the unpaid load and end up trapped more often, so this one's for you.
Leaving Doesn't Always Mean You Run
I'll tell you something I learned the hard way, because I think it helps.
Leaving doesn't always mean you're the one who flees into the night with a bin bag. Sometimes it means you get your safety net quietly ready, you plant your feet, and the one who ends up leaving is him.
When I left my own violent relationship, that's roughly how it went. I quietly got my important things together — my passport, my documents, my laptop, the bits of jewellery that mattered — and I put them somewhere he couldn't control. Out of the house, hidden, mine. And then, once I was prepared and my essentials were safe, I was able to say the words: I can't do this any more. I didn't run. I'd made myself ready, and he was the one who went.
But please hear me on this part, because I care more about your safety than about a good story. I came through it — but for a lot of women, saying "I'm done" to a dangerous person's face is the single most dangerous moment of all. Every domestic abuse service says the same thing: leaving, or announcing that you're going to, is when an abuser is most likely to escalate. So do not simply copy me and say it to him. Do it the prepared, supported way — with a safety plan and people who do this for a living (numbers at the bottom). Brave is good. Brave and safe is better.
How to Build Your Running Away Fund (Quietly and Safely)
If money is watched or controlled in your home, do these carefully, so nothing gets noticed — and let a specialist help you plan. This isn't a race; it's a door opening slowly.
1 Squirrel away small amounts
Even a few pounds that won't be missed. A clever trick survivors use: buy a bit of extra shopping you can quietly return later for a cash refund, and tuck that money away. Keep the change. It adds up, and small is invisible.
2 Open an account he can't see
If it's safe to, open one in your sole name, with a password he'd never guess, and switch to paperless statements sent to an email only you can access. A pot with your name on it and nobody else's.
3 Pack an emergency bag — and keep it OUT of the house
Documents (passport, birth certificates, ID, benefit and bank details), a spare set of keys, some cash, any medication, a phone charger. Hide it with a trusted friend or family member, not at home — somewhere he can't find it or control it.
4 Protect your phone and your accounts
Change passwords to things he can't guess, check your phone's location settings and for any tracking apps, and if you need to make plans, use a friend's phone. Delete searches for support if you must — but not your whole history, as that can look suspicious.
5 Don't announce it — plan it
The quiet, prepared exit is the safe one. Please don't threaten to leave or blurt it in a row. Ring a domestic abuse service first and let them help you build a proper safety plan around your situation. That's not weakness — it's the smartest, safest thing you can do.
6 Let it be freedom, not fear
Once you've got even a little put by, notice how you stand a bit taller. That's the door being open. You don't have to walk through it today, or ever — but knowing you could is its own kind of safety.
It's a Freedom Fund, Not a Fear Fund
Here's the loveliest part, and the bit I want you to keep. Even if you never spend a penny of it — even if you stay, happily, forever — having your own money changes everything about how you stand in your life.
Because then you're not staying out of fear, or because you can't afford to leave. You're staying because you choose to. And that turns love back into what it's supposed to be: a choice, not a cage. The running away fund isn't pessimism, and it isn't planning for failure. It's a freedom fund. It's you, married to yourself first, holding your own key to your own door.
Nobody who's truly happy needs an exit. But every single woman deserves to be able to afford one.
Frequently Asked Questions
A running away fund is money of your own that means you can always leave a situation that's bad for you — a relationship, a job, anything. It isn't about being rich; it's about freedom. It's the quiet stash that means you never have to stay somewhere out of pure financial fear. Some people call it "f-you money" or a "freedom fund." Whatever you call it, it's the difference between being trapped and being able to walk.
Because whoever controls the money often controls you. Financial dependence is one of the single biggest things that keeps women stuck in jobs, homes and relationships they need to leave — and it's a leading reason women can't escape abusive partners. Having your own money isn't unromantic or distrustful; it means you stay because you choose to, not because you can't afford to go. It goes both ways too — nobody, man or woman, should be financially trapped.
Quietly, and ideally with specialist support. If money is controlled or watched, set aside only small amounts that won't be noticed — some women buy extra shopping they can return later for a cash refund. Keep an emergency bag of documents, spare keys and cash with a trusted friend rather than in the house, open an account in your sole name if it's safe, and protect your phone and passwords. Leaving can be the most dangerous time, so please plan it with a domestic abuse service like Women's Aid rather than announcing it.
No. Having your own money and your own account isn't a betrayal — it's basic self-protection that every adult is entitled to. A healthy partner wants you to be secure and free in your own right. If the idea of your partner discovering you have your own money feels frightening rather than just awkward, that fear is worth listening to, because it may be telling you something important about the relationship.
There's no magic number — the right amount is whatever you can put aside without it causing you stress or being noticed, building slowly over time. Even a small amount is powerful, because it's the start of an exit that didn't exist before. Aim eventually for enough to cover a deposit, a few weeks of essentials and travel if you can, but don't wait until it's "enough" to start. A few pounds a week is a door slowly opening.
• How to Start Over in Your 40s (With No Money)
• Wear the Dress
• Explore all posts
- Get link
- X
- Other Apps
Popular Posts
How can we effectively manage our finances to save for the future while covering current expenses?
- Get link
- X
- Other Apps
Comments
Post a Comment