Why Do I Still Think About Someone Who Treated Me Like Shit?

It’s 1am. You’re in a hoodie, staring at your phone, thinking about someone who made your life a living hell.

You’re not texting them. You’re not with them. You know they treated you like absolute shit.

And yet… there they are. Still living rent-free in your brain.

So you ask yourself:

“Why do I still think about someone who hurt me this much? What the actual fuck is wrong with me?”

Short answer: nothing is wrong with you. Long answer: your brain, nervous system, trauma and attachment system have formed a messy group chat and that person is the main topic.

Let’s fix that, shall we?

---

You’re Not Pathetic. You’re Trauma Bonded.

Let’s get this out of the way:

• You’re not weak.
• You’re not stupid.
• You’re not “asking for it.”
• You’re not secretly in love with pain.

What you are, is trauma bonded.

A trauma bond is what happens when your brain gets addicted to a person who mixes:

• affection with cruelty,
• attention with neglect,
• “I love you” with “you’re the problem”,
• intense highs with soul-crushing lows.

Your nervous system is not confused because it’s dumb. It’s confused because it’s trying to survive.

So even though logically you know they’re bad for you, emotionally your brain is still like:

“But they’re my familiar chaos.”

---

Your Brain Is Addicted to the Inconsistency

Here’s the science-flavoured insult nobody prepared you for:

You’re not obsessed with them. You’re obsessed with the next hit of relief.

Toxic partners give you:

• love bombing → huge dopamine spike
• withholding, ignoring, sulking → withdrawal
• a tiny crumb of affection again → instant high

That cycle wires your brain like this:

“Maybe if I think about them long enough, analyse it enough, check their socials enough, replay every moment enough… I’ll finally feel better.”

You’re not crazy. You’re chemically hooked.

This is why I called my book Sober Not Sorry — because whether it’s alcohol, drama or dick… addiction is addiction.

---

Rumination: The Brain’s Broken “Fix-It” Button

Ever catch yourself replaying the same argument, the same text, the same look on their face — on loop like some kind of torture playlist?

That’s called rumination. And your brain thinks it’s helping.

Rumination is your mind trying to:

• make sense of the nonsense,
• find the “Aha, that’s why!” moment,
• spot the thing you “did wrong,”
• rewrite the story so it feels less painful.

The problem? You can’t logic your way out of something that was never logical.

You didn’t cause their toxicity. You can’t cure their toxicity. You can’t control their toxicity.

But your brain keeps trying. So it replays them, over and over and over again.

---

Unfinished Emotional Business (AKA: That Relationship Was a Cliffhanger From Hell)

A big reason you still think about someone who treated you like shit is because the story never got a proper ending.

You wanted:

• an apology,
• accountability,
• a “you were right”,
• a “you deserved better”,
• or at least a “hey, I know I fucked you up, I’m sorry.”

Instead, you got:

• ghosting,
• blame-shifting,
• gaslighting,
• replaced,
• or them pretending nothing happened.

Your brain HATES this.

It wants resolution. Closure. A full-stop. Instead, it got ellipses… and that’s why your mind keeps going back.

Here’s the brutal truth:

Some people will never give you closure because it would require emotional maturity they simply don’t have.

So you keep replaying them in your head, waiting for a better ending that’s never coming.

---

Self-Blame: “If I Can Make It My Fault, I Can Make It Make Sense”

Another reason you can’t stop thinking about them?

You’re still secretly wondering:

• “Was I too much?”
• “Was I not enough?”
• “Did I overreact?”
• “Did I push them away?”
• “If I’d just been calmer / hotter / nicer / more understanding…”

Here’s what’s really happening:

Your brain would rather make you the problem than accept that this person chose to hurt you for reasons that had nothing to do with your worth.

Why? Because if it’s “your fault,” then:

• you can fix it,
• you can change,
• you can work harder,
• you can earn love next time.

It’s a survival strategy. An awful one. But one your brain thinks is safer than:
“Some people are just incapable of loving me properly.”

---

Low Self-Worth: Their Behaviour Didn’t Start the Story, It Confirmed It

If deep down you already believed:

• “I’m not good enough,”
• “People always leave,”
• “I’m hard to love,”
• “If I don’t over-give, I’ll be abandoned,”

then them treating you like shit didn’t create that belief — it confirmed it.

That’s why they loom so large in your mind.

They became the evidence your wounded brain uses to support its favourite lie:

“See? This is all you deserve.”

And now your job is to prove your brain wrong.

---

Okay, But How Do I Actually Stop Thinking About Them?

I’m not going to give you some fluffy “just let go” crap. If letting go was that easy, you wouldn’t be here at 1am, reading this in emotional pyjamas.

So here’s the actual, practical, trauma-informed version:

---

1. Call It What It Is: A Trauma Bond, Not a Love Story

Every time your brain romanticises them, say (out loud if you need to):

“This is not love. This is addiction to inconsistency and unresolved pain.”

Language matters. Stop calling it “soulmate” shit when it was actually nervous system dysregulation with a side of breadcrumb affection.

---

2. Block, Mute, Delete… and Then Emotionally Block Them Too

Yes, the boring advice is still the best: no contact or as little contact as humanly possible.

But also: it’s not just about blocking them on your phone.

It’s about blocking the lies they left behind:

• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “No one else will put up with you.”
• “You’ll never do better than me.”

Every time those thoughts come up, mentally hit “block” on those too.

---

3. Cut Off Your Supply of Emotional Stalking

Let’s be spicy-honest:

• Checking their socials,
• stalking their new partner,
• reading old messages,
• fantasising about bumping into them looking amazing…

…is all just emotional meth.

It keeps the high alive.

Every time you do it, you reset your healing clock back to zero.

You do not need “just one more look.” You need detox.

---

4. Give Your Brain a New Obsession: YOU

Your mind is clearly very powerful. It can sit and hyperfocus on a walking red flag for months.

So what happens when you redirect that obsessive power back to yourself?

• What actually makes you feel alive?
• What goals have you abandoned?
• What parts of you did you shrink to keep them comfortable?
• What dreams did you put on ice because of their bullshit?

If you want help with rebuilding your life and money after chaos, my book How to Build Wealth on a Low Income is literally about turning survival mode into power mode — financially and mentally.

---

5. Work on the Belief, Not the Person

It’s not actually about THEM.

If it wasn’t them, your brain would pick someone else who fits the same wound.

The real work is:

• “Why do I believe this is the level of love I deserve?”
• “What part of me feels comfortable in chaos?”
• “What would it be like to only accept consistent, kind, stable love?”

When you change your self-concept, they stop being relevant.

---

The Day You Stop Thinking About Them So Much

One day — and it won’t be a dramatic movie moment — you’ll realise:

• you went a whole afternoon without thinking about them,
• their name popped up and your body didn’t flinch,
• you no longer want revenge, just distance,
• you feel quietly… free.

That day is coming.

Not because they apologised. Not because they changed. Not because they came back.

But because you finally did the wildest thing of all:

You chose yourself instead.

You’re not broken for still thinking about someone who treated you like shit. You’re healing from it. And every tiny choice you make away from them — and back toward yourself — is proof.

They were the lesson. You are the main story.