My Mum Thinks She’s Superior (Which Is Hilarious, Because She’s a Massive Arsehole)

 

You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

My mum genuinely thinks she’s better than everyone else.

More intelligent. More refined. More “together.”

She carries herself like the Queen of Bloody Everything.

Meanwhile, I’m standing there thinking:

You’re not superior—you’re just an Olympic-level arsehole in pearls.

🏆 Her Special Skills Include:

• Offering unwanted advice with the confidence of a TED Talk speaker
• Judging your life decisions while hers are an actual bin fire
• Acting like she invented common sense
• Smiling smugly while you slowly disassociate

Honestly, if she was any more self-righteous, she’d levitate.

🧠 The Mental Gymnastics

She once said to me:

“I just think I know what’s best because I’ve lived a little.”

Lived a little?

You mean… wreaked havoc, gaslit everyone within a five-mile radius, and still managed to blame me for your stress-induced eczema?

That kind of “lived”?

If superiority was measured by the volume of your own bullshit, she’d be knighted.

🎭 Her Signature Moves:

• The Eyebrow Raise of Disdain™
  (Usually triggered by you breathing incorrectly.)
• The Backhanded Compliment
  “Oh! You’ve actually done your hair today. Well done, darling.”
• The Memory Edit:
  Where she rewrites family history so that somehow she was the victim when you were four and she forgot to pick you up from school. (Spoiler: she was at bingo.)

🥇 Her Reality vs. Actual Reality

Her version:

“I was a brilliant mother who sacrificed everything.”

Reality:

She once fed you dry toast for dinner because “the kitchen was clean and she didn’t want to ruin it.”

Her version:

“I’ve always been supportive.”

Reality:

She told you not to pursue your dreams because “that sort of thing is for people with real talent.”

Her version:

“I just worry about you.”

Reality:

She worries about what her neighbours think of you. Not you.

🤹‍♀️ How She Keeps the Act Going

Everything she does is part of the performance. She plays the role of the elegant, wise mother figure, while low-key tearing people down like she’s auditioning for Mean Girls: Retirement Edition.

She acts like the Pope, but she’s got the diplomacy of a traffic warden with a hangover.

🎤 Final Thought

If my mum’s “superiority” was actually real, I’d have a lot more to learn from her.

But all I’ve learned is:

• How to fake a smile at family gatherings
• How to sidestep guilt like I’m dodging landmines
• And how to silently scream into a cushion without messing up my eyeliner

She thinks she’s superior.

I think she’s delusional with a sprinkle of evil genius.

But mostly?

She’s just a spectacular, full-time, unpaid, gold-medal-winning… arsehole.

And honestly?

It’s kind of impressive.