Always “On,” Never Off: What Years of Being the Only Responsible One Does to Your Body

It's 7am and I'm still in bed. I've got an hour to get ready for a 40-hour week I haven't even started yet, and I'm already exhausted. Not tired in the "didn't sleep well" way — I did sleep, actually, as well as you can in this heat. Tired in the way that doesn't have a reason attached to it. Tired that was already there when I woke up.

I'm not reaching for coffee to fix it either, because I know exactly what happens if I do — I'll be asleep at my desk by 2pm and useless for the rest of the day. So I'll just sit with it instead, the way I have most mornings for longer than I want to admit.

Why does this happen even when I've slept?

Because this isn't about last night's sleep. It's about the accumulated weight of being the only responsible one, for years, with nobody to hand any of it off to. That kind of tired doesn't come from one bad night. It builds up in your body over time, and sleep alone doesn't touch it.

Sixteen years I've been doing this. Sixteen years of being the one who's "on" — the one who notices if something's wrong, sorts it, remembers it, carries it. There's no shift change. No one taps you on the shoulder and says "I've got this bit, go rest." You're just on, permanently, and your body eventually starts acting like it.

It's not just in your head

I want to be honest about this because I think we're constantly told to push through tiredness like it's a mindset problem — like if we just thought about it differently we'd feel fine. It's not just mental. It's physical too. Both at once, actually, which is worse, because there's no single thing to fix. You can't sleep your way out of it and you can't think your way out of it either. It's just there, in your body, from years of never fully switching off.

My daughter starts college in September

I got her a gym membership for the summer, mostly to keep her busy before she's off. And there's something almost funny about that — she's stepping into moving her body easily, at the start of everything, while I'm sat here at the other end of it, exhausted, trying to work out how I even begin again.

But that's exactly the point, isn't it. We're not supposed to be starting from the same place. She's beginning. I'm rebuilding. Both are hard in their own way.

You're not the only one

If you're reading this in bed too, dreading the day before it's even started, running on a kind of tired that sleep doesn't fix — I need you to know you're not the only one. I'm right here with you. Sixteen years in and I still haven't got this fully figured out.

That's actually why I'm building something. Not a subscription you pay for and forget about. Something that actually holds your hand through getting your body and your energy back, the way nothing else out there does — because I'm not doing this from a distance, I'm doing it from exactly where you are. I want my mojo back too. I'm not pretending I've already got it.

More on that soon. For now, I'm having a shower, I'm posting this, and I'm doing my commute with a podcast on, same as every other day. One foot in front of the other.

Love, Vikki

Disclaimer: This post reflects personal experience and is not medical advice. If persistent exhaustion doesn't improve with rest, please speak with your GP to rule out any underlying causes. Individual experiences vary.