It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better: Why Chaos Escalates the Moment You Stop Feeding It
It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better: Why Chaos Escalates the Moment You Stop Feeding It
You finally stop reacting. And somehow, everything gets louder. Here's why that's not a sign you're failing.
Short version: When you stop responding to manufactured chaos the way you used to, it often escalates before it settles down. This is a documented behavioural pattern called an extinction burst — a temporary spike in intensity that happens when a behaviour that used to get a reliable response suddenly stops getting one. It's the same reason a toddler's tantrum gets briefly worse right before it stops working. Knowing this in advance stops you from giving up at the exact moment your new approach is actually starting to work.
You stop reacting to the drama. You go quiet instead of defending yourself. You stop dropping everything for the manufactured crisis. And for a stretch of time, things don't calm down — they get worse. Louder accusations, bigger reactions, more frequent attempts to provoke you. It's tempting to read this as proof your new approach isn't working, and go back to what you were doing before. That would be exactly the wrong lesson to take from it.
The extinction burst, explained simply
In behavioural psychology, an extinction burst is a temporary increase in a behaviour right after it stops being rewarded. If a behaviour reliably got a response for a long time, and that response suddenly disappears, the person doing the behaviour typically doesn't just stop. They escalate first, trying harder to get the reaction that used to work, before eventually easing off once escalation stops producing results too. It's the same mechanism behind a toddler's tantrum getting briefly more intense the first time ignoring it actually works, or a vending machine getting an extra shake when the usual button press fails.
The spike isn't evidence that your boundary failed. It's often evidence that it's the first time your boundary has actually mattered enough to provoke a reaction.
What this looks like with manufactured chaos specifically
If you've been the reliable responder to someone's manufactured crises, mood swings, or manipulation for a long time, and you start responding differently — calmer, more factual, less immediately available — don't be surprised if the chaos gets louder first. Bigger accusations. More dramatic crises. Attempts to find the exact button that used to work, tried with more force. This is the extinction burst playing out almost exactly as the theory predicts, not a sign that the person has "seen through" your new approach, or that your approach is wrong.
Why knowing this in advance matters
Most people abandon a new boundary or a new way of responding at precisely this point, because the escalation feels like proof it isn't working. Without knowing this pattern exists, going back to the old, familiar response feels like the only sane option. Knowing the pattern in advance changes the entire experience: the escalation becomes expected, even a strange kind of confirmation that something has actually shifted, rather than a signal to retreat.
How to get through the escalation without folding
- Expect it before it happens. Decide in advance that a spike in intensity is a likely, temporary phase, not evidence you've made things worse.
- Keep your response boring and consistent. Escalation is designed to find your breaking point. A calm, repeated response, even when the chaos increases, is what eventually ends the pattern.
- Get support to hold the line. This phase is genuinely harder, and having someone to check in with while you ride it out makes a real difference.
- Track it, don't just feel it. A simple note of what's happening and when can help you see the pattern easing over time, even when any single day still feels difficult.
Frequently asked questions
An extinction burst is a temporary increase in a behaviour that occurs right after that behaviour stops receiving its usual response or reward. It typically precedes a reduction in the behaviour, rather than indicating that a new approach has failed.
This often reflects an extinction burst, where escalating behaviour is an attempt to regain a response that used to work reliably. A temporary increase in intensity frequently precedes a genuine reduction in the behaviour over time.
Duration varies depending on the situation and how consistently the new response is maintained. Consistency during this phase is generally more important than its exact length, since reverting to the old response during a burst tends to reinforce the escalated behaviour instead.
Love, Vikki x
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