Envy Isn't the Problem. Disrespect Is.

Wanting what someone else has can build you. Disrespecting them for having it will only ever shrink you.

Short version: "If you're envious of other people's success, you'll never be successful" isn't quite accurate. Real research identifies two distinct types of envy. One, admiring what someone else has and using it as motivation, is genuinely linked to greater success. The other, resenting them and wishing them harm, isn't really envy at its core, it's disrespect wearing envy's clothes. That's the version that actually blocks success, not envy itself.

The two kinds of envy, and which one is actually disrespect

Psychologists distinguish between benign envy, wanting what someone else has, with no ill will toward them, and malicious envy, wanting them to lose it. Benign envy is linked to the expectation of your own success and genuinely drives people to work harder. Malicious envy is different in kind, not just degree. It isn't really envy anymore at that point. It's disrespect, dressed up as jealousy, aimed at diminishing someone else's achievement rather than building your own.

Wishing you had what someone else has is human. Deciding they don't deserve it, or working to see them lose it, isn't envy. It's disrespect, and disrespect has never once built anything worth having.

Why disrespect specifically is what holds people back

Malicious envy tends to come from a place of feeling disrespected or undervalued yourself, and it often turns outward as disrespect toward the very success it's reacting to, undermining it, dismissing it as luck, or quietly hoping it collapses. That posture keeps your energy pointed at someone else's downfall instead of your own progress. Nothing about tearing someone else down builds anything of your own up.

What the healthier version actually looks like

• Let envy be information, not identity. Noticing you want something someone else has tells you something real about your own goals. That's useful, not shameful.
• Respect the win, even while you want your own. You can genuinely admire someone's success and still want to build your own version of it. The two aren't in competition.
• Check for disrespect creeping in. If admiration has quietly turned into resentment, dismissal, or hoping they fail, that's the moment worth catching and correcting.
• Point the energy at your own effort, not their downfall. Every ounce spent wishing someone else loses is an ounce not spent building what you actually want.

Frequently asked questions

Does feeling envious of someone's success mean you'll never succeed?+

Not necessarily. Research distinguishes benign envy, which is linked to motivation and expectation of success, from malicious envy, which is linked to resentment and self-sabotaging behaviour. The type of envy matters more than the presence of envy itself.

What's the difference between benign and malicious envy?+

Benign envy involves wanting what someone else has without wishing them harm, and is linked to motivation and self-improvement. Malicious envy involves wishing the other person loses what they have, and is linked to resentment, disrespect, and toxic behaviour.

Love, Vikki x