💖 How to Quit Arseholes: A Step-by-Step Guide for the Emotionally Exhausted and Mildly Unhinged

 

Let’s face it: quitting smoking was easier than quitting arseholes.

You know the type—romantic arseholes, friendship arseholes, family arseholes, casual-dentist-who-ghosted-you arseholes.

They drain your energy, kill your joy, and leave you questioning your own reality—but somehow you keep texting them back like a confused lab rat.

Not anymore.

Welcome to your official guide to quitting arseholes—for good.

🚩 Step 1: Admit You’re Addicted

The first step to quitting anything toxic is acceptance. So say it with me:

“I am addicted to arseholes. I see red flags and think, ‘Ooooh, a carnival!’”

It’s not your fault.

Arseholes come with charm, mystery, and that weird ability to disappear for three days and then text “u up?” like nothing happened.

They’re human slot machines. You keep pulling the lever hoping for affection, but all you get is crumbs and emotional herpes.

🧠 Step 2: Retrain Your Brain

Here’s the trick:

Every time you start thinking, “Maybe they’ll change…”

Interrupt that thought with,

“And maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow with a six-pack and a yacht.”

They’re not going to change. You are.

Start associating their name with something appropriately disgusting.

Like mould. Or toe fungus. Or the time you got food poisoning at that buffet.

Your brain needs to stop linking them to dopamine and start linking them to danger.

📵 Step 3: Go No Contact Like a Ninja

Delete. Block. Mute. Burn the bridge and then nap beside the ashes.

“But what if they message me and realise they love me?”

They won’t.

And if they do, they’ll lovebomb you for 48 hours, convince you it’s all your fault, and then vanish into a cloud of emotional confusion—again.

Cut. It. Off.

Treat them like your expired Tesco hummus: it had potential once, but now it’s just a biohazard.

🧼 Step 4: Detox Like You Mean It

You don’t just quit arseholes.

You cleanse them from your system like a bad kebab.

That means:

• No rereading old messages
• No Facebook-stalking their mum
• No “accidentally” driving past their house to see if they’ve got a new car/partner/puppy/better life without you

Replace their nonsense with actual dopamine:

Music. Walking. Dancing. Laughing. Blocked-numbers bingo. Whatever it takes.

👑 Step 5: Upgrade Your Standards (and Your Sanity)

You’re not just quitting arseholes. You’re starting a new lifestyle:

Peace. Joy. Boundaries. Sanity.

No more:

• People who love you when it’s convenient
• Conversations that feel like hostage negotiations
• Confusing texts, weird silences, or “I’ve just been really busy” lies

You deserve people who make you feel calm, not crazy.

🏁 Final Word: Relapse Is Normal, But Not Necessary

You might have a wobble. You might even miss them. That’s OK.

But ask yourself:

“Do I miss them… or do I miss the version of them I made up in my head so I didn’t cry myself to sleep on Wednesday nights?”

Yeah. Thought so.

So here’s your new mantra:

“I don’t chase arseholes. I replace arseholes—with peace, power, and possibly a great meal deal.”

Congratulations.

You’re officially arsehole-free.

Now go and live your best life—with boundaries, snacks, and people who actually give a shit.