Why Are There So Many Grown-Ass Toddlers in the World? (A Love Letter to Everyone Who’s Accidentally Raised One)

Let’s be honest: some of us didn’t get into relationships—we accidentally adopted fully grown toddlers with credit cards, smartphones, and adult-level tantrums.

You thought you were getting a partner. A teammate. A sexy grown-up who’d help carry the load of life.

But what you got was this:

A person who could legally vote, legally drive, and legally ruin your peace—but emotionally? They were still three years old with a superiority complex and a phone full of excuses.

Signs You’re Dealing with a Grown-Up Toddler:

1. Tantrums when the attention isn’t on them.
   Heaven help you if you’re having a rough day—suddenly their feelings matter more than yours.
2. Needs applause for basic human decency.
   “I made dinner.”
   Wow. Give them a sticker and a juice box.
3. Goes missing when it’s time to be responsible.
   Real adults show up. Toddlers ghost you mid-crisis and pop up later like nothing happened.
4. Weaponised helplessness.
   “I didn’t know how to pay that bill.”
   “I can’t cook but I also don’t want takeaway.”
   “You never told me I had to… be a functioning adult.”

True Story Time:

I once dated someone who got so drunk they shat themselves—and their parents cleaned it up.

They were 22.

Their parents thought it was adorable.

I thought: This isn’t a red flag, this is a fucking crime scene.

I thought it was a one-off. Spoiler: It wasn’t.

Next thing I knew, I was hiding their keys so they didn’t do something stupid.

Making excuses to their boss.

Picking up the pieces while carrying a baby inside me and a baby in adult form beside me.

Why Are There So Many Grown Toddlers in the World?

Because no one ever taught them how to sit with discomfort.

Because mummy or daddy fixed everything.

Because people praised their bare minimum and never said, “You need to grow the hell up.”

Man, Woman, Whatever—It’s Not Your Job to Raise Them

You are not:

• Their parent
• Their therapist
• Their emotional laundry service

You are not here to regulate someone else’s moods like a walking pacifier.

What Do You Do When You Realise You’ve Been Running a Daycare?

You stop.

You gently (or not so gently) return them to the wild.

And you give yourself a round of applause for surviving the chaos of Adult Toddler Syndrome.

If they have full-grown legs and arms, they can carry their own bloody emotional baggage.

Final Thoughts from a Reformed Grown-Toddler Magnet

Whether you dated one, worked with one, or were related to one—you’re not crazy.

You just got stuck looking after someone who stopped growing emotionally somewhere between snack time and naptime.

But you? You’re learning. You’re healing. You’re putting the sippy cup down and levelling the hell up.

And from here on out, the only toddlers you deal with better be the actual cute kind—not the ones who try to gaslight you with a beard, a blow-dry, or a fake cry.