Why Dysregulated People Try to Dysregulate Everyone Else

 One of the most confusing things about being around emotionally dysregulated people is this:

You can be calm.
You can be reasonable.
You can be kind.

And somehow… things get chaotic anyway.

It can feel intentional.
Malicious.
Personal.

What’s actually happening is simpler — and more dangerous — than that.

Dysregulated people try to dysregulate others because it’s the only way they know how to feel stable.

---

Regulation vs Dysregulation (In Plain Terms)

A regulated person can:

• feel distress without externalising it

• self-soothe

• pause before reacting

• tolerate disagreement

• remain grounded even when uncomfortable

A dysregulated person cannot.

When distress rises inside them, it has nowhere to go.

So it goes outward.

---

External Regulation: The Core Problem

Dysregulated people rely on external regulation.

That means they calm themselves by:

• provoking reactions

• creating conflict

• inducing guilt or fear

• controlling the emotional environment

• pulling others into emotional intensity

When you become upset, anxious, angry, or reactive:
👉 they feel relief.

Not because they enjoy your pain —
but because their nervous system has offloaded its distress onto you.

Your dysregulation becomes their regulation.

---

Why Calm Makes Them Worse

This is the part people don’t expect.

When you stay calm, neutral, or boundaried:

• there’s no emotional discharge

• no reaction to feed off

• no chaos to stabilise them

So their distress increases.

That’s why calm boundaries are often met with:

• escalation

• rage

• accusations

• emotional collapse

• sudden “emergencies”

Your calm removes their coping mechanism.

---

Why They Target Certain People

Dysregulated people don’t destabilise everyone equally.

They target people who:

• are empathetic

• were parentified

• explain themselves

• stay engaged

• feel responsible for harmony

In other words — people who will absorb the emotional spill.

This is not a coincidence.
It’s pattern recognition at a nervous-system level.

---

Why You End Up Feeling “Crazy”

Being around chronic dysregulation creates:

• confusion

• self-doubt

• hypervigilance

• emotional exhaustion

• a sense that reality keeps shifting

That’s because you’re being pulled into co-regulation under duress.

You’re stabilising the system at your own expense.

Over time, your body starts to associate:

Connection = danger

That’s why people feel relief — not sadness — when distance finally happens.

---

The Most Important Reframe

They are not trying to hurt you.
They are trying to stop themselves from falling apart.

That does not make the behaviour acceptable.

It explains why:

• reasoning doesn’t work

• empathy doesn’t fix it

• explaining escalates things

• boundaries provoke backlash

You are dealing with capacity, not misunderstanding.

---

Why Distance Works When Nothing Else Does

When you reduce engagement:

• they lose the external regulator

• the pattern becomes visible

• escalation may spike

• then the system collapses or redirects

Distance doesn’t punish them.
It simply stops the transfer of distress.

And your nervous system finally gets to rest.

---

What This Means for You

If someone consistently:

• destabilises your mood

• leaves you anxious, drained, or numb

• reacts badly to your calm

• escalates when you don’t engage

The issue is not your tone, timing, or wording.

It’s that they cannot self-regulate — and are using you instead.

---

One Sentence to Anchor You

“Their chaos is not mine to carry.”

Say it every time you feel pulled into the storm.

---

Final Truth

Dysregulated people don’t spread chaos because they’re evil.

They spread it because it’s the only way they know how to survive their own internal state.

But understanding the reason does not obligate you to participate.

You are allowed to choose calm —
even if someone else can’t tolerate it.