My House Is Not a Battlefield: Dealing With a Narcissistic Mother

 

For a long time, I believed that if I just explained myself better, stayed calmer, or tried harder, my mother would eventually respect my boundaries.

She didn’t.

What I learned instead is this: some people don’t respond to boundaries — they respond only to access. And when access is removed, peace returns.

This is how I deal with a narcissistic mother who won’t leave me alone.

I stopped engaging

I didn’t confront her.

I didn’t argue.

I didn’t try to get her to understand.

I disengaged.

That meant:

• I stopped talking to her
• I blocked her number
• I emotionally checked out long before I physically did

Not because I’m cruel — but because engagement only gave her more material to use against me.

Silence removed the fuel.

Emotional distance came first

Before physical distance, there was emotional distance.

If I ever see her unexpectedly (because surprise encounters do happen), I don’t react.

No explanations. No visible irritation. No compliance.

Neutrality is powerful.

I don’t give her emotional access, because emotion is where control lives.

Surprise visits don’t equal entry

This part matters.

Turning up uninvited does not create obligation.

If she appears at my door:

• I’m “busy”
• I’m “on my way out”
• Or I simply don’t engage

No invite means no access.

I don’t argue about it.

I don’t justify it.

I don’t explain it.

My home is a control-free zone

This is the core boundary:

If she enters my home, she tries to control.

My space becomes tense.

My body goes into alert mode.

My peace disappears.

So she is not welcome in my house.

That isn’t punishment — it’s logic.

Control is unauthorised here.

A home is meant to be a place of safety, rest, and autonomy.

If someone consistently turns it into a battlefield, they lose entry privileges.

I don’t debate my boundaries anymore

I don’t:

• Defend my choices
• Rehearse explanations
• Wait for approval
• Seek validation

Boundaries that need defending aren’t boundaries — they’re negotiations.

And I’m no longer negotiating my peace.

About the guilt

If reading this makes you uncomfortable or guilty, that doesn’t mean this approach is wrong.

It usually means you were conditioned to believe:

• Access equals love
• Compliance equals kindness
• Self-protection equals selfishness

None of that is true.

Distance is not cruelty.

It’s containment.

Final truth

I didn’t change her.

I changed my access to her.

And that changed everything.

Your house does not have to be a battlefield.

Your peace does not need permission.

And control — from anyone — is not welcome in your space.

One last thought

If your house were surrounded by 400 burglars, would you think:

“Well… it might be rude not to let them in.”

Of course not.

You wouldn’t open the door.

You wouldn’t explain your reasons.

You wouldn’t debate whether they meant to steal.

You’d recognise the situation for what it is and protect your space.

This is the same concept.

When someone repeatedly invades your peace, ignores boundaries, and tries to control your environment, the number of times they knock doesn’t turn it into consent.

Your home is not public property.

Access is not automatic.

And safety — emotional or physical — does not require politeness.

Close the door.

Keep the peace.