How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Stress

 

A simple regulation exercise for dealing with emotionally dysregulated adults

If you feel exhausted, tense, or emotionally drained after interacting with certain people—especially family members—you are not imagining it.

Some people struggle to regulate their emotions internally. Instead, they regulate through other people. Over time, this can leave you feeling responsible for moods that were never yours to manage.

The good news: this is not a personality flaw. It is a learned stress response, and it can be unlearned.

This article explains:

• why some people “off-load” stress

• why it affects calm, caring people the most

• how to stop absorbing it

• and a simple daily exercise to retrain your nervous system

---

Why do some people make everyone around them stressed?

Emotionally healthy adults regulate distress internally.
Others regulate externally—by provoking reactions.

This can look like:

• sudden criticism or drama

• boundary pushing

• unpredictable behaviour

• emotional outbursts

• creating urgency where none exists

When they get a reaction, their stress goes down.
When you react, your stress goes up.

Over time, your body learns:

“I need to stay alert around this person.”

That’s not weakness.
That’s conditioning.

---

Why calm, kind people are most affected

If you are:

• empathetic

• reflective

• conflict-averse

• used to keeping the peace

…you are more likely to become an emotional regulator for others.

You don’t absorb stress because you are weak.
You absorb it because you engage.

The solution is not becoming cold or angry.
The solution is withdrawing regulation.

---

The key shift: stop trying to fix, explain, or soothe

You cannot teach emotional regulation to someone who does not want to learn it.

What you can do is stop lending them your nervous system.

This means:

• fewer words

• less emotion

• more silence

• faster disengagement

Silence, when chosen deliberately, is not avoidance.
It is containment.

---

The “Don’t Absorb It” Regulation Exercise (5 minutes)

This exercise is simple, repeatable, and surprisingly effective.

Step 1: Name what’s happening (10 seconds)

Silently say:

“This is dysregulation, not an emergency.”

This tells your nervous system there is no immediate threat.

---

Step 2: Limit input (during the interaction)

• Say one short boundary sentence
  (“I’m not available for this right now.”)

• Do not explain

• Do not argue

• Do not correct

If they push, repeat once—then stop talking.

Silence removes the reward.

---

Step 3: Reset your body immediately after (2 minutes)

Do this as soon as the interaction ends:

• Inhale through your nose for 4

• Exhale slowly through your mouth for 6–8

• Repeat 6–10 times

Longer exhales signal safety.

---

Step 4: Ground physically (2–3 minutes)

Choose one:

• walk slowly

• stretch calves, hips, or jaw

• press your feet into the floor and name 5 things you can see

This prevents stress from getting “stuck.”

---

Step 5: Redirect your focus (the most important step)

Immediately turn your attention to:

• a supportive friend

• your partner or children

• a meaningful task

• something physically absorbing

Say internally:

“My energy goes where my life grows.”

---

Why this works (brief science, plain language)

When you stop reacting:

• cortisol spikes reduce

• your nervous system stabilises

• immune and sleep patterns improve

• emotional clarity returns

Stress cannot be “transferred” to a regulated system.

Calm is not passive.
Calm is containment.

---

Why this feels uncomfortable at first (and why that’s normal)

When you stop regulating others:

• guilt may spike

• anxiety may spike

• they may escalate briefly

This does not mean you are doing it wrong.

It means the old pattern is losing effectiveness.

Discomfort is not danger.

---

Common mistakes to avoid

• Over-explaining your boundaries

• Using silence to punish

• Replaying the interaction for hours

• Trying to get them to “understand”

Understanding is not required for protection.

---

A one-line reminder to keep with you

Choose one and repeat it when needed:

• “Silence is a boundary, not a weakness.”

• “I am not responsible for regulating other adults.”

• “My calm is not negotiable.”

---

Final thought

If you grew up or lived long-term around emotionally dysregulated people, it can feel unfamiliar—even wrong—to stop managing them.

But peace does not come from fixing others.
It comes from withdrawing from roles you never consented to.

You are allowed to focus on:

• yourself

• your family

• your friends

• your life

That is not selfish.
That is regulation.