Alcohol Doesn’t Cause Narcissism — It Removes the Brakes

 

One of the most confusing things about living with a narcissistic parent or partner is this question:

Is it the alcohol… or is it them?

For years, I watched behaviour get explained away by drinking — the cruelty, the entitlement, the lack of accountability. I was told to be more understanding, more forgiving, more patient.

What I eventually realised is this:

Alcohol doesn’t cause narcissism. It lowers inhibition, amplifies entitlement, and removes accountability — in other words, it removes the brakes.

Alcohol doesn’t create the behaviour

Alcohol doesn’t invent personality traits out of nowhere.

What it does is:

• Lower self-control
• Reduce empathy
• Increase impulsivity
• Dull shame and self-reflection

If someone already struggles with boundaries, empathy, or accountability, alcohol doesn’t soften that — it exposes it.

The behaviour was already there. The drink just turned the volume up.

Why alcohol and narcissism so often travel together

People with strong narcissistic traits often use alcohol because it:

• Temporarily numbs shame
• Provides a ready-made excuse (“I didn’t mean it”)
• Shifts responsibility away from them
• Gives permission to act without restraint

Alcohol becomes both fuel and cover.

And for the people around them, that’s where the damage multiplies.

“They’re only like this when they drink” is a trap

This is one of the most common rationalisations — and one of the most dangerous.

If someone:

• Repeatedly drinks knowing how they behave
• Refuses to repair the harm afterwards
• Uses alcohol to avoid accountability

Then alcohol isn’t the problem — it’s the alibi.

Sober remorse that never turns into changed behaviour isn’t growth. It’s a reset button for the next cycle.

Why this is especially destabilising for children and partners

Living with someone who drinks and shows narcissistic traits creates constant uncertainty:

• You never know which version you’ll get
• You’re blamed for their behaviour
• You’re expected to absorb the fallout

Over time, you learn to:

• Monitor moods
• Anticipate explosions
• Minimise yourself to keep the peace

That’s not resilience. That’s survival.

Sobriety doesn’t automatically fix narcissism

This part matters.

Some people stop drinking and expect relationships to magically heal.

But if:

• There’s still no empathy
• There’s still no accountability
• There’s still entitlement and control

Then the core issue remains.

Sobriety can remove the accelerant — but it doesn’t install brakes.

Those require insight, humility, and sustained self-work.

A grounded truth

Alcohol doesn’t cause narcissism.

It removes the brakes.

And once you see that clearly, you stop waiting for sobriety to turn someone into a safe person.

Final word

You are not obligated to tolerate harm just because it comes with a substance attached.

Understanding the dynamic doesn’t mean accepting it.

Distance, boundaries, and disengagement are not punishments — they are protections.