Why You Keep Attracting Narcissists (And How to Break the Cycle)

It’s Not a Curse – It’s a Pattern (And You Can Break It) 🧡

By Vikki – How To Feel Fucking Amazing

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If you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “Why do I always end up with narcissists?” or “Why do I attract the same toxic partner in a different body?” — you’re not alone, and you’re not stupid.

You’re running an unconscious pattern. The good news? Patterns can be changed.

Reason 1: Chaos feels like “home” to your nervous system

If you grew up with:

• emotionally unpredictable parents,
• criticism or neglect,
• walking on eggshells,
• love mixed with fear or guilt,

…then a calm, stable person can actually feel “boring” at first.

Your body is used to high drama, confusion and tension, so when a narcissist shows up with intensity, charm and chaos, your nervous system goes:

“Ah yes. This feels familiar. This must be love.”

Reason 2: Narcissists target kind, empathetic people

Narcissists are not randomly unlucky in who they date.

They’re drawn to people who are:

• empathetic,
• self-reflective,
• willing to work on themselves,
• quick to forgive,
• used to overgiving.

In other words: good people with shaky boundaries.

Reason 3: You were trained to earn love

If love in your past looked like:

• approval when you performed,
• withdrawal when you had needs,
• affection only when you were “good”,

…then your brain learned that love is something you earn, not something you just receive.

Narcissists love this. They give a little, you give a lot. You chase their crumbs like they’re gold.

Reason 4: Love bombing hijacks your brain chemistry

Narcissists often start with:

• intense attention,
• deep “connection” straight away,
• constant messaging,
• compliments and big promises.

This “love bombing” floods your brain with dopamine. When they later pull away, criticise you or act cold, your body panics and starts chasing that original high.

It’s not romance. It’s a chemical rollercoaster.

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Reason 5: You ignore red flags because you see potential

Empathetic people see the best in others. You see:

• their trauma,
• their good moments,
• their “soft side,”
• who they could be “if they healed”.

So when the red flags show up, you don’t run. You explain them. You justify them. You say “everyone has flaws”.

Meanwhile, your nervous system is quietly screaming.

How to stop attracting narcissists: 5 powerful shifts

1. Believe your body, not their words

If your stomach drops, your chest tightens or you feel constantly on edge around someone — trust that.

2. Stop trying to heal people by loving them harder

You can love someone deeply and still not be safe with them. You are not their therapist, rehab centre or soul-repair project.

3. Raise your minimum standard

Your new bare minimum:

• consistent behaviour,
• respectful communication,
• effort without manipulation,
• no silent treatment, name-calling or emotional games.

4. Take it slower than your trauma wants

If the connection feels too fast, too intense, too soon — slow down on purpose. Real love doesn’t need to sprint.

5. Do the self-worth work

The more you genuinely believe “I am worthy of calm, kind, steady love,” the less exciting chaos feels.

Quick FAQ: Why you attract narcissists

“Is there something wrong with me?”

No. There is something wrong with people who exploit your kindness. Your pattern is a survival response, not a character defect.

“Will I always be attracted to narcissists?”

No. As you heal, stabilise your nervous system and raise your standards, your taste in people and what feels “normal” will change.

“How do I know if someone is healthy?”

You feel calmer, not more anxious. You feel more like yourself, not less. You don’t feel like you’re auditioning for love.

Before you go…

You are not cursed. You are not destined for toxic relationships forever. You’re someone whose heart has been trained to work too hard for love.

That ends with you.

You get to be the person who breaks the cycle.

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