The Real Truth Why You Can’t Talk to a Narcissist
Narcissists Don’t Have Communication Skills – They Have Control Tactics
Let’s clear something up: narcissists are not “bad communicators” in a cute, clumsy way. They are strategic non-communicators. They talk a lot, they argue a lot, they rant, they lecture, they “explain” – but very rarely do they actually communicate.
Real communication is about understanding, connection, and repair. Narcissistic communication is about power, ego, and control. Once you see that difference, so many of your old conversations start to make sense.
What Healthy Communication Looks Like (So You Have a Baseline)
Healthy communication is not perfect, flowery, or Instagram-level wise. It’s actually very simple:
- Both people get to speak and be heard.
- Feelings are allowed, even if they’re messy.
- Apologies exist and mean something.
- There is space for disagreement without fear.
- Reality is shared – no one is rewriting what just happened.
That’s what normal looks like. If your nervous system just read that list and thought, “Wow, must be nice,” you’ve probably spent too long talking to someone who doesn’t know how – or doesn’t want – to communicate.
Why Narcissists Can’t Communicate Like Adults
1. Accountability Feels Like an Attack
For a narcissist, being wrong is not just uncomfortable – it feels like ego death. So instead of, “I’m sorry, I see your point,” you get:
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re remembering it wrong.”
- “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y.”
They dodge responsibility because their entire self-image is built on being right, superior, and justified. You can’t build healthy communication on top of that foundation. It cracks every time.
2. They Talk to Win, Not to Connect
You go into a conversation hoping to sort things out. They go in with one goal: win.
That means they will:
- Interrupt you constantly.
- Bring up old unrelated arguments (from 2014).
- Attack your character instead of discussing the issue.
- Twist your words until you doubt your own memory.
You leave the conversation drained, confused, and somehow apologising for things you didn’t even do. That’s not poor communication. That’s deliberate destabilisation.
3. Empathy Isn’t in Their Toolkit
Healthy communication needs empathy: “I can see how that made you feel,” “I get why you’re upset.”
Narcissists tend to use empathy as a performance when they need something from you:
- Love bombing at the beginning.
- Tears when you’re about to leave.
- Grand speeches about how they’ll change.
But empathy that only appears when they’re about to lose you is not emotional growth – it’s emotional strategy.
4. Everything Becomes About Their Feelings
Try to talk about your needs and suddenly the conversation flips:
- You: “I felt hurt when you ignored me.”
Them: “So now I’m the worst person ever? I can’t do anything right.” - You: “I need more respect.”
Them: “You’re calling me abusive. That’s so unfair.”
They centre their own hurt, outrage, or victim story so effectively that the original topic disappears. You end up comforting them instead of resolving the issue that hurt you in the first place.
5. Silence and Chaos Are Their Favourite “Sentences”
Narcissists communicate in two extremes:
- Word salad – long, chaotic monologues that go nowhere but wear you down.
- Silent treatment – punishment through withdrawal, making you chase them for resolution.
Both are about power. Neither is about actually understanding each other.
Common Narcissistic “Communication” Tactics (That Are Not Skills)
- Gaslighting – denying your reality, your memories, and your feelings.
- Projection – accusing you of what they’re actually doing.
- Deflection – changing the subject whenever accountability appears.
- Triangulation – dragging in other people’s opinions to control you.
- Guilt-tripping – making you feel selfish or cruel for having needs.
- Playing the victim – using pain as a shield against responsibility.
These are not flaws in communication ability. They are part of a manipulation system. Once you see the pattern, you stop giving them the benefit of the doubt they have not earned.
You Are Not “Bad at Communicating” – You Were Arguing with a Brick Wall
If you’ve walked away from a narcissistic relationship feeling like:
- “I must be terrible at explaining myself.”
- “Maybe I am too emotional.”
- “I should have communicated better.”
Take a breath: you were not in a normal conversation. You were in a rigged game where the other person needed to win more than they needed to love you.
It is almost impossible to communicate successfully with someone who:
- Will not accept responsibility.
- Will not hold a shared reality.
- Will not prioritise your emotional safety.
That’s not on you. That’s on them.
How to Protect Yourself in Conversations with a Narcissist
1. Stop Over-Explaining
You can give clear, simple statements. You do not owe a 20-slide presentation on your feelings. The more you explain, the more material they have to twist.
2. Use Boundaries, Not Debates
Instead of:
“I just want you to understand how I feel.”
Try:
“I’m not going to discuss this if you keep raising your voice. I’ll step away and we can talk later, or not at all.”
Boundaries are actions, not arguments.
3. Recognise When the Conversation Is No Longer Safe
If you notice:
- Your reality being denied.
- You feeling smaller, confused, or ashamed.
- The topic constantly shifting away from the original issue.
That’s your sign: this is no longer a conversation. It’s a control exercise. You’re allowed to end it.
4. Keep the Important Stuff in Writing
When possible, keep key agreements, plans, or decisions in text or email. It protects you from “I never said that” and “You’re making things up again.”
5. Save Your Real Voice for Safe People
You deserve to speak freely, be messy, be emotional, ask questions, change your mind, and apologise without being punished for it.
Narcissistic dynamics train you to believe that speaking up is dangerous. Healthy people will remind you that your voice is not a problem – it’s a requirement for real love.
Final Thought: It Was Never About Your Communication Skills
If you take one thing away from this, let it be this:
You did not lose them because you were bad at communicating.
You lost yourself for a while because you kept trying to communicate with someone who was never playing fair.
Your job now is not to become more “convincing” for narcissists. Your job is to become more protective of your time, your words, your sanity, and your heart.
Share it to your own phone, notes, messages, or email as a reminder for the next time a conversation feels crazy-making.
Keywords: narcissist communication, narcissistic abuse, poor communication skills, toxic relationships, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, word salad, silent treatment, how to talk to a narcissist, healing after narcissistic abuse, setting boundaries with narcissists, relationship red flags
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