Arseholes Have a Massive Fear of Abandonment (Here’s the Truth)
Arseholes Have a Massive Fear of Abandonment (Here’s the Truth)
By Vikki
Let’s get one thing straight: people who act like complete arseholes aren’t confident.
They’re terrified.
Not of you raising your voice. Not of you being upset. Not even of you calling them out.
The thing that really scares them is this:
You leaving. You detaching. You being done with them. You abandoning them the way they emotionally abandoned you.
Their biggest fear isn’t losing love. It’s losing control.
Why Arseholes Have Such a Huge Fear of Abandonment
On the surface, they look arrogant, cold, superior, “unbothered”. Underneath all of that? A nervous system in permanent panic mode.
If you walk away, they lose:
- your attention
- your emotional reactions
- your energy to feed off
- someone to blame for their feelings
- someone to manage, fix and control
- their favourite punching bag / emotional sponge
If they didn’t have you to project onto, they’d have to face themselves. That’s their actual nightmare.
So they cling. Not in a soft, vulnerable way. In a controlling, manipulative way.
How Fear of Abandonment Shows Up in Narcissistic Behaviour
This fear doesn’t show up as, “I’m scared you’ll leave.” It shows up as:
- Love-bombing: coming on strong, rushing intimacy, future-faking, drowning you in attention to secure you.
- Control: monitoring who you talk to, what you do, what you wear, how you spend your time.
- Guilt-tripping: “After everything I’ve done for you…” “You’re selfish.” “You’re ungrateful.”
- Gaslighting: rewriting reality so you doubt your instincts and stay hooked on theirs.
- Push–pull dynamics: pulling you close, then pushing you away, to keep you chasing their approval.
They don’t know how to love, so they cling in the only way they understand: power, drama, and emotional chaos.
They Don’t Want a Relationship. They Want a Host.
Here’s the hard truth:
They don’t want an equal partner.
They want a host.
Someone to drain. Someone to regulate them. Someone to carry the emotional weight they refuse to deal with.
When you’re in a toxic relationship or dealing with a narcissist, you become:
- their emotional bin
- their live-in therapist
- their ego support system
- their built-in excuse: “I’m like this because of you”
And because they’re so fragile underneath, the idea of you walking away feels like annihilation.
The More You Heal, the More Scared They Get
Here’s where it gets interesting.
As you start to:
- see the patterns clearly
- set boundaries
- take space
- stop over-explaining and over-apologising
- focus on your own healing and peace
…their fear of abandonment explodes.
Because to them:
- your independence = betrayal
- your boundaries = rejection
- your silence = punishment
- your healing = loss of control
Your growth feels like an attack on their ego, because it proves they never had the power they thought they did.
What Happens When You Finally Detach
Detaching isn’t just blocking a number or walking out the door. Emotional detachment happens when you no longer give them what they’re addicted to:
- your reactions
- your explanations
- your defended essays and paragraphs
- your anxiety about “keeping the peace”
You go quiet inside.
You see them clearly.
You stop taking the bait.
To someone with a massive fear of abandonment, that feels like abandonment — even if you’re still technically “there”.
The moment you detach emotionally, they feel abandoned, even if you’re sitting across the same table.
How They React When Their Fear of Abandonment Is Triggered
When they sense they’re losing control, expect:
- Rage: shouting, attacks, insults, character assassination.
- Smear campaigns: telling others you’re crazy, unstable, abusive, selfish.
- Love-bomb relapses: “I’ve changed.” “I get it now.” “You’re my soulmate.”
- Victim mode: “Everyone leaves me.” “You’re abandoning me like everyone else.”
This isn’t real accountability. It’s panic.
They’re not scared of losing you as a human. They’re scared of losing what you do for them.
Power Move: Stop Giving Them Access
If you’ve spent years walking on eggshells, caretaking their emotions, managing their reactions and sacrificing your sanity just to keep the peace, read this twice:
The most powerful thing you will ever do is stop giving them access to your energy.
That means:
- no more long justifications
- no more defending your boundaries
- no more chasing their approval
- no more fixing what they keep breaking
They can only control what they can trigger.
Healing Your Own Fear of Abandonment After a Toxic Relationship
Being with someone like this often activates your fear of abandonment too. That’s part of the trauma bond.
Healing looks like:
- learning that real love doesn’t threaten to leave every five minutes
- understanding that “silent treatment” and punishment are emotional abuse, not normal conflict
- rebuilding a life where your nervous system doesn’t live in constant fight-or-flight
- teaching your body that calm, stable people exist — and you deserve them
It takes time. It’s messy. But every step you take away from chaos is a step back toward yourself.
SEO Corner: What This Is Really About
If you found this while searching for things like:
- “why does my ex go crazy when I ignore them?”
- “narcissist fear of abandonment”
- “toxic partner freaking out when I leave”
- “why do they hate my boundaries?”
…this is your answer:
Arseholes and narcissists don’t fear being alone. They fear being alone with themselves.
And when you finally realise you’re better off without them?
They lose everything they thought they controlled.
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