Why You’re Still Smoking & Drinking After the Narcissist Left — And How to Stop
Why You’re Still Smoking & Drinking After the Narcissist Left — And How to Stop
Let’s get one thing straight: if you’re still smoking or drinking after escaping a narcissist, it’s not because you’re weak, broken, or “lacking willpower.” It’s because your nervous system, your history, and your trauma responses have been running the show longer than you have.
I know this because it was me.
Smoking wasn’t some cute teenage rebellion I kept going into adulthood — it started as a way to numb the emptiness and neglect from my narcissistic mother. Drinking wasn’t a party habit either — it became a survival mechanism in a 24-year relationship with a narcissist who drained the life out of me, one gaslit day at a time.
When the narcissist finally leaves (or you leave them), you expect peace. Healing. Freedom. But instead, something weird happens:
Your bad habits get LOUDER.
The cigarettes hit harder. The wine calls your name at 6pm (or noon, no judgement). You feel more anxious, more fidgety, more emotionally raw than you did during the relationship.
So… what the hell is happening?
Let’s break it down — and then I’ll show you how to break out of it.
1. Your Body Is Coming Off “High Alert Mode”
Narcissists keep you in a constant state of fight-or-flight. Your adrenaline stays high, your cortisol stays high, and you never truly relax.
Smoking and drinking become the quick “off switches” for a nervous system that hasn’t known safety in YEARS.
When the narcissist is gone, your body is still wired for danger — it doesn’t trust calm. So you reach for what’s familiar: nicotine to soothe, alcohol to numb, habits to anchor you in chaos.
It’s not the addiction that’s hard to quit. It’s the constant internal tension.
2. Your Trauma Needs a ‘Plug’ — and Cigarettes/Alcohol Fit Perfectly
When your childhood was full of emotional neglect or abuse, your brain never learned how to self-soothe. Smoking becomes a pacifier. Drinking becomes a blanket.
You’re not addicted to the substance — you’re addicted to feeling temporarily okay.
When I smoked, it wasn’t the nicotine I needed… it was the timeout. When I drank, it wasn’t the alcohol I craved… it was the relief from the emotional noise.
Take away the narcissist, and suddenly the REAL trauma comes bubbling up. Old wounds. Old fears. All the stuff you shoved down to survive.
Without coping habits, all that pain has nowhere to go.
3. You Built Your Identity Around Surviving — Now You’re Learning to Live
Smoking and drinking often become part of your identity during abuse:
- “I need a smoke to calm down.”
- “I need a drink after dealing with that shit.”
- “This is how I cope.”
But once the narcissist is gone, that identity becomes outdated… and uncomfortable.
Who are you without the chaos? Who are you without the crutches?
It’s scary. It’s shaky. It’s like learning to walk without stabilisers when you’ve had them your whole life.
4. You’re Detoxing From More Than Chemicals
You’re detoxing from:
- Adrenaline
- Gaslighting
- Self-doubt
- Hypervigilance
- Loneliness
- Emotional manipulation
- Having to anticipate someone else’s moods
Your brain is exhausted. Your heart is fragile. Your body is confused.
You don’t just quit the narcissist. You quit the entire life you built around them.
That’s a LOT of withdrawal.
Real talk: If you’re struggling right now, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means your body is finally safe enough to feel what it couldn’t feel before.
So… How Do You Actually Stop? (Even When You’re Stressed, Lonely, and Triggered)
This is not going to be a fluffy list like “drink herbal tea and meditate.” No. You’ve survived hell. You need real tools.
5. Understand Your Triggers (They’re Not What You Think)
You’re not triggered by cravings — you’re triggered by:
- Overwhelm
- Boredom
- Resentment
- Loneliness
- Feeling unappreciated
- A sudden quiet moment
- The urge to escape your own thoughts
Identify the emotion, not the habit.
When I quit drinking, I realised I drank when I felt pointless. When I quit smoking, I realised I smoked when I felt ignored.
Awareness changes EVERYTHING.
6. Shift Your Internal Story
Instead of saying “I need a drink,” say “I’m craving peace.”
Instead of saying “I need a smoke,” say “I need a break.”
You’re not trying to quit the substance. You’re changing the NEED behind it.
7. Replace the Habit With Something That Actually Works
Here are replacements that hit the same parts of your brain — without destroying your health or wallet:
- Hot showers (instantly calm the nervous system)
- Long, slow breathing (the real off-switch for anxiety)
- Journaling the intrusive thoughts (cheap therapy)
- Walking outside (movement + space = clarity)
- Protein + healthy fat snacks (stops emotional crash cravings)
- Calling someone who isn’t insane
- A dopamine-reset hobby (reading, puzzles, drawing, anything soft and quiet)
You’re not quitting — you’re upgrading.
8. Build One Tiny Ritual to Replace the Smoking/Drinking Window
If you usually smoke at 10am, replace just that moment. If you usually drink at 7pm, replace just that hour.
Your brain learns from patterns. You’re not breaking the habit — you’re rewiring the moment.
9. Let Yourself Feel Again (The Hardest Part)
If substances were your emotional dimmer switch, sobriety will feel… bright. Too bright.
Suddenly you feel grief, anger, loneliness, relief, pride, fear, hope — all at once.
It’s intense at first — but it’s also healing.
You don’t need to run from your feelings anymore. You’re safe now.
10. Create a 60-Day Detox Plan (It Actually Works)
Sixty days is long enough to break the emotional attachment — not just the chemical one.
- Better sleep
- Clearer skin
- Less anxiety
- More confidence
- More money
- Real self-respect
- A body that stops screaming for help
Your brain becomes yours again.
11. Accept This Truth: You’re Not Addicted — You’re Healing
You weren’t drinking because you loved alcohol. You were drinking because you were drowning.
You weren’t smoking because you loved nicotine. You were smoking because you were scared.
And now? You’re rebuilding. You’re rewiring. You’re rising.
Quitting isn’t about discipline — it’s about safety.
Final Word: You Deserve a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From
You’ve lived in survival mode long enough.
Your habits aren’t “you” — they’re the versions of you that got you through hell.
But you’re not in hell anymore.
You’re rebuilding. You’re learning to feel. You’re learning to be free.
And when you quit from a place of self-respect, not self-punishment? You stop wanting the things that hurt you.
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