The Vikki Guide for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: How to Know You’re Not Going Mad, Detach, Go No-Contact (UK)
The Vikki Guide for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: How to Know You’re Not Going Mad, Detach, Go No-Contact (UK)
By Vikki · United Kingdom · Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, there comes a moment that hits like a punch and a rescue at the same time:
“Oh my god… it wasn’t me. It was her.”
I’m writing this guide because I wish someone had handed it to me years ago. If you’re a daughter who’s spent a lifetime doubting herself, walking on eggshells, and wondering if you’re losing your mind — this is for you.
Part 1 — You’re Not Going Mad: Here’s the Realisation That Sets You Free
1) The core truth: she will never be the mother you needed
This is the big one. Not a cruel truth — a clear one:
She is who she is. She isn’t going to become warm, safe, or accountable.
Not because you’re unlovable. Because she’s limited. Once you stop waiting for her to change, you reclaim your life.
2) Emotional detachment isn’t cruelty — it’s self-respect
Detaching from a parent can feel “mean” if you’ve been trained to prioritise her feelings over your sanity. But what’s actually mean is being a child who had to survive:
- constant criticism
- guilt trips and silent treatments
- reality being twisted until you doubt your own memory
- love that was conditional on your obedience
Detachment is not punishment. It’s protection.
3) The trick that saved me: see her as a character, not a mum
You’re allowed to mentally reframe her. Not as “Mum” (with all the expectations that word carries), but as a difficult character you happened to grow up around.
When you remove the “mother” role in your mind, you stop expecting mother-behaviour. That single shift can stop years of heartbreak.
4) The biggest realisation: her behaviour was never about you
Every dig. Every tantrum. Every emotional booby trap. It wasn’t proof you were “wrong.” It was proof she needed control.
Her behaviour is a reflection of her limitations — not your worth.
5) Watch what people do around her
This is what finally made everything click for me:
If you watch closely, people don’t interact with her unless they have to.
- they keep conversations short
- they don’t confide in her
- they don’t stay long at gatherings
- they look tense when she starts talking
That’s not because you complained. It’s because they felt her toxicity too.
6) The “mental door” technique
Picture a heavy locked door. Her chaos stays behind it. Your life stays in front of it.
Every time she tries to pull you back into old patterns, imagine the door closing.
Click. Done. Peace protected.
Part 2 — The Vikki No-Contact (or Low-Contact) Guide
People throw “go no-contact” around like it’s easy. It’s not. This section is a gentle, realistic guide — because your safety and peace come first.
Step 1: Decide what you need, not what looks “nice”
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel worse after contact?
- Do I dread seeing her?
- Does she respect any boundary at all?
- Is this relationship costing my mental health?
If contact costs you peace, it’s too expensive.
Step 2: Choose your level
- Low-contact: minimal interaction, tightly controlled.
- No-contact: full boundary, no communication.
Both are valid. The right one is the one that protects you.
Step 3: Stop explaining yourself
Narcissistic mothers don’t debate in good faith. Explaining gives them material to twist.
Boundaries are not negotiations.
Step 4: Expect backlash, not understanding
She may:
- play the victim
- smear you to others
- love-bomb you back in
- rage when you don’t comply
This is not proof you’re wrong. It’s proof your boundary is working.
Step 5: Create scripts so you don’t get dragged
- “I’m not discussing that.”
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
- “I’m ending this call now.”
- “I’ll be in touch if/when I’m ready.”
Step 6: Protect your inner circle
If people relay messages for her, gently shut it down:
“I’m not discussing my relationship with her. Thanks for understanding.”
Step 7: Replace the guilt with truth
Guilt is what she trained in you to keep you available. Your truth is what sets you free.
Part 3 — Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
1) Rebuild self-trust (slowly, kindly)
Gaslighting destroys inner confidence. Healing is learning to believe yourself again.
- Notice what your body says “no” to.
- Stop talking yourself out of your instincts.
- Let your feelings be information, not a crime.
2) Grieve what you didn’t get
You’re not grieving her as a person — you’re grieving the mother you deserved.
That grief is not weakness. It’s honesty.
3) Stop trying to be “the good daughter”
The “good daughter” role was a cage.
You are allowed to be loyal to yourself instead.
4) Learn what calm feels like
When chaos is your normal, peace can feel unfamiliar at first. Keep choosing it. Your nervous system will catch up.
5) Build a life that has nothing to do with her
Your energy belongs to:
- your daughter
- your health
- your money
- your books
- your success
- your joy
- your future
Not her moods. Not her story. Not her gravity.
6) The final Vikki truth
You don’t have to pretend she’s dead.
You just have to accept that emotionally, she was never really there for you in the first place.
And that acceptance is what frees your entire life.
Comments
Post a Comment