How Can a Mother Be So Cruel? Not Everyone Deserves the Title “Mother”

By Vikki – for daughters and single parents healing from narcissistic and toxic mothers.

“How can a mother be so cruel?” is a question so many of us ask quietly at night, then feel guilty for even thinking it. We’re told, “But she’s your mum,” as if the word mother automatically means kind, loving, and protective.

But here’s the truth no one wants to say out loud: Giving birth does not make someone a mother. Acting like one does.

When “Mother” Is Just a Title and Not a Role

A real mother nurtures, protects, guides, and supports. A toxic or narcissistic mother often does the opposite. Instead of feeling loved, you feel blamed, criticised, gaslit, or constantly walking on eggshells.

If you grew up with a cruel or narcissistic mother, you may have experienced:

• constant criticism or mocking instead of encouragement
• guilt trips whenever you try to set boundaries
• blame for everything that goes wrong in the family
• emotional blackmail and silent treatment
• competition and jealousy rather than pride and support
• a rewrite of history any time you bring up past hurt

If any of this feels familiar, you are not imagining it, and you are not “too sensitive”. You are experiencing (or experienced) emotional abuse from a person who happens to have the title “mother”.

Why Can Some Mothers Be So Cruel?

It’s painful to accept that your own mother can be cruel, but understanding the pattern helps you stop blaming yourself. Cruel, narcissistic, or toxic mothers often:

• lack empathy or minimise your feelings
• see their children as extensions of themselves, not as separate people
• refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour
• project their pain, shame, and insecurity onto their children
• use control, manipulation, and guilt to keep power

This doesn’t excuse the behaviour. It simply explains why logic, kindness, and “being the bigger person” never seem to work. You cannot heal a narcissistic or toxic mother by sacrificing yourself.

How Toxic and Narcissistic Mothers Damage Their Children

Growing up with a cruel mother doesn’t just hurt emotionally in the moment – it affects how you see yourself as an adult. You may notice:

• chronic self-doubt (“Is it me? Am I the problem?”)
• overthinking every decision because you expect criticism
• people-pleasing and fear of upsetting others
• struggle to trust your own feelings and instincts
• attracting partners who are also controlling or abusive
• feeling guilty any time you say “no” or set boundaries

This is what long-term narcissistic abuse does – it trains you to question your reality and abandon yourself to keep the peace. But here’s the new truth you’re learning: you are allowed to protect yourself.

Not Everyone Deserves the Title “Mother”

We grow up thinking “mother” automatically means love. But the reality is:

• Some mothers are emotionally unsafe.
• Some mothers are cruel, jealous, or controlling.
• Some mothers use their children to meet their own needs.

You are allowed to say: “She doesn’t deserve that title in my life.” It may be true that she is your biological mother, but that doesn’t mean she earned the emotional role of “Mum”.

A title is not a free pass to abuse. A DNA connection is not a licence to hurt you without consequences.

“Is It Wrong to Distance Myself from My Mother?”

This is one of the most common questions adult children of narcissistic and toxic mothers ask: “Am I a bad daughter if I step back?”

The answer is no.

You are not bad, ungrateful, or cruel for:

• setting boundaries with your mother
• limiting how often you see or speak to her
• refusing to tolerate shouting, insults, or manipulation
• choosing low contact or no contact to protect your mental health

Protecting yourself is not abuse. It is self-respect.

Signs You May Need Stronger Boundaries (or Distance)

You might need distance from your mother if:

• you feel drained, shaky, or anxious after interacting with her
• you dread her calls or messages but feel guilty ignoring them
• your mood or self-esteem crashes every time you see her
• she dismisses your feelings, especially when you talk about past hurt
• she refuses to change, even when you clearly explain how her actions affect you

These are not small issues. They are signs of an unsafe emotional environment. Your body and mind are telling you the truth, even if your conditioning tries to silence it.

Healing When Your Mother Was Cruel

Healing from a cruel or narcissistic mother is a process. It often involves:

• acknowledging that what you went through was abuse or neglect
• letting go of the fantasy that “one day she will finally become the mother I needed”
• building self-trust and learning to listen to your own feelings
• surrounding yourself with safe, supportive people
• re-parenting yourself – giving yourself the care, love, and validation you never received

You are not broken. You are someone who survived emotional warfare from the very person who was supposed to protect you. That makes you strong, not damaged.

You Are Allowed to Redefine “Family”

Family is not just the people you share DNA with. Family is the people who:

• make you feel safe
• listen and care about your feelings
• respect your boundaries
• celebrate your wins without jealousy
• don’t punish you for saying “no”

You are allowed to create a new version of family out of friends, your own children, a partner, community, or even online support. You do not have to keep chasing love from someone who only offers cruelty.

Final Reminder: You Are Not the Cruel One

If you grew up with a toxic or narcissistic mother, you’ve probably been called selfish, dramatic, ungrateful, or heartless. But if you’re here, reading this, asking how a mother can be so cruel – that alone shows your heart is nothing like hers.

You are not cruel for wanting peace. You are not a bad daughter for stepping back from abuse. You are allowed to protect your mind, your body, and your future.

Not everyone deserves the title “mother”. Especially if they never acted like one.

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FAQs: Cruel, Narcissistic and Toxic Mothers

Is it wrong to feel anger towards my mother?

No. Anger is a natural response to being hurt, ignored, or abused. Feeling anger doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. What matters is what you do with that anger and how you choose to heal.

How do I know if my mother is narcissistic or just “strict”?

A strict parent can still be loving, empathetic, and emotionally safe. A narcissistic or toxic mother makes everything about herself, refuses responsibility, and regularly shames, blames, or manipulates you. If you feel scared, small, or never good enough around her, that’s a red flag.

Can I have a relationship with my mother and still protect myself?

Sometimes. It depends on her behaviour and your boundaries. For some people, limited, low-contact relationships work. For others, no contact is the only way to fully heal. There is no one “right” answer – only what is safest for you.

Will people judge me for stepping back from my mother?

Some might, because they don’t understand what you’ve been through. But their opinion is not more important than your mental health. The people who truly deserve a place in your life will care more about your wellbeing than about appearances.

If this resonated with you, you are not alone. Keep choosing yourself, one boundary at a time.