Breaking the Cycle: Why I’m Done Attracting Chaos

It’s a terrifying thing to admit, but I’m done. Done attracting chaos. Done being pulled into relationships that mirror the emotional storms I grew up with. Done repeating the cycle that started with my mom’s alcoholism and carried through to every dysfunctional relationship I’ve ever had.

I’m sure you know the feeling—those moments when you’re drawn to someone who feels familiar in the worst possible way. They’re exciting, unpredictable, emotionally draining—but somehow, you can’t stop yourself from being pulled in. You tell yourself, “This time will be different.” But it’s not. And deep down, you know it won’t be.

Familiarity Isn’t Love—It’s Trauma

Growing up with an alcoholic mother means chaos was my normal. Unpredictable emotions, silence followed by explosive rage, the anxiety of never knowing what mood would walk through the door. That was home. And, without realizing it, I started to associate that with love, connection, and intimacy. Because it was the only kind of emotional connection I knew.

So when I ended up in relationships that mirrored that chaos—people who were emotionally unstable, self-destructive, or addicted to substances—it didn’t feel like a red flag. It felt familiar. And familiarity, even in its worst form, feels safer than something you don’t recognize. It felt like love.

The Sick Cycle of Trauma Bonding

I don’t even need to explain trauma bonding to you. You’ve lived it. It’s that moment when you’re so deeply hooked into a toxic relationship that the highs and lows become the only thing that makes you feel alive. The chaos, the drama, the love bombing, followed by the guilt, the emotional exhaustion, the “I’m sorrys” that mean nothing.

You know it’s toxic. You know it’s destroying you. But there’s a part of you that craves it. Because it’s the same pain you’ve always known. It’s like trying to fix the mess your past left behind by replaying it over and over again with different faces and different names.

Why It’s So Damn Scary to Break the Cycle

Here’s the gut-wrenching truth: breaking the cycle is terrifying. Why? Because when you’ve spent your whole life defining love by chaos, stability can feel unsafe. Calm feels unnatural. You start to fear the quiet moments, the peaceful relationships, because they’re unfamiliar. And that fear? It’s paralyzing.

The thought of being alone, or standing in the face of your own emotions without numbing them through chaos, seems impossible. It feels like a void—like you’d be facing everything you’ve been avoiding for years.

But Here’s What I’m Realizing:

You can’t fix other people’s brokenness by breaking yourself. I’ve spent so much time trying to “save” people, to pull them out of their own emotional messes, that I forgot about the wreckage I was leaving behind in the process. You cannot fix someone else’s addiction, their self-sabotage, or their instability. And trying to do so is a way of avoiding your own healing.

The truth is: I deserve peace. I deserve stability. I deserve relationships that don’t make me feel like I’m drowning in someone else’s chaos. And so do you.

How I’m Breaking Free

• Recognizing the pattern. I’m learning to see the red flags for what they are—chaos dressed up as excitement.
• Setting boundaries. No more getting pulled into the emotional whirlpools of others. I will not be anyone’s emotional punching bag.
• Choosing peace over drama. I’m creating a new definition of love—one that doesn’t come with emotional whiplash or panic. Love can be calm, loving, and respectful.
• Healing myself first. I’m focusing on my own growth, my own emotional work, and my own peace. I am not responsible for other people’s emotional meltdowns.

It’s Time to Rewrite the Story

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I get it, I feel the same way,” know this: You don’t have to keep repeating this cycle. You can break free. You don’t have to stay stuck in toxic relationships or patterns that echo your past. It won’t be easy—but it will be worth it. You are worth it.

This time, I’m choosing me. I’m choosing stability over chaos. And I’m not going back.